Richards vs. Doom: The Interview!
For years now the rivalry between Victor Von Doom and Reed Richards has been the stuff of legends. Countless historical documentary graphic novels have been published detailing the ins and outs of the two greatest minds this world has ever seen. Now, in an unprecedented scoop we at Manicdote have got the two to agree to a sit down interview to find out how the rivalry began, how it escalated, and when the end will come. I am here at the famed Baxter Building in a rare agreement between the two super men of science to sit and talk to us.
Reed Richards: Thank you Van, I’m very happy to be here.
Victor Von Doom: BAH! Doom only agreed to this debacle so that he might have the chance to set the record straight.
Van Redd: Um…yes well lets just get started shall we? Dr. Richards, could you tell us how you and Mr. Doom met?
Doom: Mister? I hold a doctorate in over thirty disciplines you imbecile!
Van Redd: Oh it says here you never graduated Empire State University.
Richards: I remember that, he got kicked out when he messed up trying to save his mom from hell.
Doom: DOOM did not mess up you ubiquitous toad! You sabotaged that experiment because you knew DOOM’s intellect was greater!
Richards: I was the one who told you the calculations were off, you insisted on…
Doom: Silence! Your pitiful lies will not be accepted! …To answer the question YES Doom left the disheveled halls of Empire U and formed his own university in the one country with the greatest education system in the world!
Van Redd: Let me guess, Latve….
Van Redd: Riiight, but is your school accredited?
Richards: Oh Van I would not go down this road.
Van: Right well moving on then…What about after college; what did you spend time doing then?
Richards: I mostly saw the world, conducted a few experiments in gravitational quantum flux parameters. I also invented and patented about thirty nine forms of microchips, chemical drugs, and I almost cured cancer.
Van: Wow very impressive, how many years after college did all of that take you?
Richards: Years? That was in the first week. I almost had the cancer thing done with I discovered the most fascinating use for positronic circuits used to replicate higher brain functions.
Van: Wait so you gave up a cure for cancer to study robotics?
Richards: Oh no I will go back to it eventually; right now I am working on a method to use unstable molecules to…
Doom: Enough of his blather, the fool Richards never could see anything though. He is weak and plebian.
Van: Ummm…so what did you do after “college” Mist- Uh…Doctor Doom?
Doom: Doom mostly banged Richards’ Mom.
Richards: Oh now that is uncalled for Victor.
Van: Really Doctor, I’m shocked you would do such a thing.
Doom: Doom is only bringing some much needed levity to this conversation. Of course Doom would never sully himself by traipsing in bed with the unbearable hag who regurgitated though her womb the fool that sits over there.
Van: I must say Doctor Doom it was not a funny joke.
Doom: Nor is it funny that it was actually his girlfriend at the time Susan Storm I was nailing to the bed like a two dollar hooker. Doom was merely confused because the wench looked haggard enough to be his mother when Doom was done with her.
Doom: You would do nothing you puerile dolt! Of course Doom has never been with your wife! Doom would never have Namor’s sloppy seconds!
Van: Wow, I hate to say it Richards but…Burn dude!
Doom: Oh what is the matter Richards? Has Doom hit a nerve with you? Is lil Reed angry?
Richards: Shut up Victor.
Doom: Oh no witty response Richards? Did you really not know? It is not surprising, hiding yourself all day away in your precious laboratory where you struggle to hold even the faintest candle to my glory while you ignore your wife and child. Speaking of the puerile little brat have you checked him for gills?
Richards: SHUT UP!
Van: Um maybe we should stop now? I think I have enough to –
Doom: Silence you dreck! Doom is having quite a wonderful time!
Richards: I will NEVER forgive you for this Victor! I love my wife and she loves me and this interview is over! I will never allow myself to think you can be reasoned with ever again you… monster! Why I should kick you’re . . .
Van: Oh wow he is upset.
Doom: Bah, watch this…Richards can you tell us about your “discovery” of the Negative Zone?
Richards: . . .huh? Oh the Negative Zone or the N Zone I call it. Essentially, it is a universe parallel to Earth’s. The two have many similarities, but a few noteworthy differences include: all matter in the Negative Zone is negatively charged; the Negative Zone is entirely filled with a pressurized, breathable atmosphere; and near the center of the Negative Zone is a deadly vortex of unspeakable power. Further more. . .
Van: How long will he go on like this?
Doom: Who knows…Doom certainly does not care.
Van: Well…now what?
Doom: Doom is bored with this. Someday Doom will crush Richards like the stink weasel he is but for now Doom wished to have a loaded baked potato.
Van: They have really good ones at Claim Jumpers.
Van: Sounds good, let’s ditch poindexter here and get some eats.
Doom: In just a moment….yes now we should depart.
Van: Ummm what did you just do?
Doom: Doom set off the rockets he had built below this building so as to launch it into the sun.
Van: Oh….wait didn’t you do that already? Launching the Baxter Building into space I mean? Like…eight times now?
Doom: Then Doom surmised that this must make nine then you ferret faced buffoon. Doom has used your fool hardy idea for an interview as means to anger and distract my nemesis Richards long enough to get them all into orbit and be done with them. For you part you shall be rewarded…
Doom: Yes the illustrious Doom has decided to not kill you where you stand.
Several hours later
Richards: . . Spider-Man has also visited the Negative Zone, and acquired a costume that allowed him to merge with shadows and become practically invisible. When he was framed by Norman Osborn a few weeks later, he used the costume to become the dark, mysterious Dusk. A few months later, after Spider-Man’s name was cleared, Cassie St. Commons was given the guise of Dusk and joined the Slingers. Cletus Kasady also visited the Negative Zone, finding an exact replica of the Carnage symbiote there, the original one which he had lost when Venom absorbed it into his own symbiote. . .
Susan Richards: REED! What happened? The Baxter Building is in space!!!
Richards: Who did what now?